On several occasions when I was younger I remember having conversations with my mother about what real friendship is. Neither one of my parents were ever social butterflie,they preferred to stay home and had a few friends. My Grandma Lizzie on the other hand was the bubbliest,most outgoing person I knew. She could and would strike up a conversation with anyone about anything. If life really were like high school Lizzie would have been the prom queen/social chair/cheerleader and my parents were the artsy loners- if you were on the outside looking in. What they all had in common is their core social group was very small. The people that they considered to be real friends,really were in it for the long haul. My mother always told me to put someone through the mental acid test;who would still be there if you were in a terrible accident and lost everything? If you are honest in thinking about that,a good number of the “friends”people have would not make the cut.
My platonic relationships reflect my romantic ones,in that I find it difficult to maintain too many at once. I can still recall my best friend from kindergarten was my best friend until we grew apart in 5th or 6th grade. The besty that followed her held the crown from 6th grade until 8th grade and we mainly grew apart because of distance and different schools. In high school my social circle became (and still is known as) the inner circle. These are people with whom I am still very close. The majority of the circle (Brandi and Darryl) were in the same curricular program as me in high school. Since like attracts like,we eventually clumped together (they eventually married each other). Ashleigh was a year behind us,but we all gamed (yes true Dungeons and Dragons nerds) and served on student council together. She went to China to teach for a year after college and ended up staying until recently. I consider all of them my best friends and would do anything for them. As the old adage goes,“a friend will help you move;a best friend will help you move the body.”The one misfit member of my circle is my life partner Sasha. Now,before you go thinking aww long term lesbian lovers,it’s not like that. We are both (mostly) heterosexual women,but the level of our closeness is not adequately conveyed by best friends.
When I was growing up Grandma Lizzie had Ms. Tate,my mother had Michelle,and my dad had Wayne. These were their core friends. Now I’m not sure what the level of intimacy they had with these people over the years,but I can only wish they were as deep as Sasha and I are now. First a little back story on how my high school was organized. The school was divided into three smaller programs- Math,Science and Applied Technology (MSAT) was mine,Darryl and Brandi’s program. We got the 1st dibs on stuff generally. Center for International Studies and Commerce (CISC) was the program Ash was in. Finally,College Prep and Liberal Arts (CPLA) or “regular King”was Sasha’s program. CPLA got the shaft mostly. MSAT and CISC were magnet programs,and CPLA was the neighborhood portion of the school. They were often denied access to the better classes and teachers at the school. It was very segregated (socially not racially),and often the only mixing happened in electives,language classes and lunch. So Sasha was in CPLA and I was in MSAT but both of our hearts really just wanted to be in the dance room. I’m not quite clear if we were in the same dance class officially,but I was in the dance room every chance I could get. Lunch,study hall,open hours and after school I was in the studio,same for her. By this time in my life I was becoming comfortable being an outsider. Both my parents were odd,non-conformists and I stood out like an artsy thumb in Detroit,so finding people with similar interests was very important. Sasha was (and is) almost as odd as I am. We both have a flair for the dramatic and are prone to hoping fully choreographed musical numbers will start at any second. By the time junior year came we were tight,and senior year we were inseparable. In fact,people thought we were lesbian lovers (this was before that was cool) despite the fact we both had boyfriends. When we both got accepted to University of Michigan,of course we had to be roommates. This was our first major hurdle.
By the time our freshman year came to an end,we were not exactly on speaking terms. It was a really long summer,but by the end the olive branch was extended and turned into delicious olive oil. Since then we’ve ridden out abusive boyfriends,crazy husbands,moving,drunken photo shoots and other assorted adventures. There is no one else in the world with whom I laugh more or cry as freely. We can talk everyday or not at all. We know when feelings are bad and when we need to make each other face them. We are each others porn buddies and the one you call if something gets “stuck”and you need an extra pair of hands. We both know that there is always a shoulder,couch or shovel available should the need arise. Most people don’t get us,but that’s ok. The ones that do are lucky enough to have found their soul mate too.
It can be a scary when you find someone you are that close to. I have two other friends,both fiercely independent with serious loner streaks. I love them both deeply,but their discovery of each other is the best thing that could have happened for them. They can be completely raw with each other and open and it has allowed them both,I think,to be even better. People really don’t understand their closeness and it caused some tensions but they are secure now in their relationship that not even living in different states can diminish their closeness.
It is my firm belief that everyone needs that kind of relationship in their life. It’s not that it is uncomplicated or easy,but it’s important and fulfilling. When people say soul mates they are usually referring to a romantic relationship,but I encourage you to broaden that definition to your platonic friends. Sure you have a close relationship with a romantic partner,and you should,but when sex enters any equation it complicates things. If you have a friend that is just a friend,usually of the same sex,you know how one another thinks. I can bounce my brand of insanity off Sasha and get some perspective in a way that is not possible with a man. Speaking as a woman,sometimes I just want to talk through something,not necessarily to have it lead to action,just to work it around in my mind. I expect the same goes for men,they don’t want to talk around a problem,they want action. Take a look at the relationships you have around you. Are you surrounded by “friends”that only call you when they want something? Are they the kind of people you can count on in a jam? Who would pass the acid test? If you can’t name one,after being honest with yourself,then perhaps you should reevaluate and cultivate a relationship with someone who really will have your back. Having a life partner,best friend or close friends does not preclude you from having a robust social life;it means there will always be someone their to hold you hair when you come home.