Vulnerable in public
There are times when I wish that I had a switch like a robot to turn feelings off. Although if there is an off why would I ever want to gamble and turn them on. I realized last week that I am a terrible dater- even my booty calls end up being monogamous, just sans feelings. The thing is- my feelings, probably rebelling from so much suppression, tend to be strong and lingering. I don’t particularly like it, especially since they seem to be one sided. The current object of my affections is a blast from my past, who unlike other FB finds seems to have actually aspired to do something with his life. For the sake of anonymity we shall call him Rainbow. The problem with Rainbow is that ever since I met him (in the 90’s) he has had an effect on me. He is by no means the head-turningist man ever, nor is he some genius in some random ass topic I find fascinating but what he is, is simply liver quiveringly delicious. He is passionate about working with kids, he’s a family guy, he’s got intelligence and thoughtfulness. His relationships with his close friends have lasted for years. He might not have everything I want, but he is all that I want. Here’s where the saga gets sad and frustrating for our heroine- despite being the one to look me up a year ago on my birthday, and really seeming to enjoy my talents in the bedroom, and being oddly helpful about work things, he seems to hold me in contempt sometimes. It’s hard to distinguish whether it’s directed at me in particular or inward for being with me, but it’s a level of reservation and withdrawal that borders on the super-human. You are probably reading this and thinking- girl, clearly HE’S NOT INTO YOU. Run away! Jump offs, booty calls, side chicks don’t get promoted. You messed up when you put out. If only it were that simple. I messed around and caught the feelings and I don’t know how- or if- I want to turn them off. Despite complaining about the achy feeling, or the heart skips when I see his name I’d much rather feel that than nothing. Things I unfortunately realized in the middle of physically satisfying, but emotionally barren sex. You want to talk about inconvenient “ah-ha moments”? There we are, in medias res, when I realize that I am thinking about Rainbow as opposed to myself (concentrating on what is happening to me) or my partner. Instead of luxuriating in post-coital bliss I felt like a very bad girl who cheated on a dude who doesn’t give a fuck. So frustrating.
His birthday just passed and I went to his party with 2 of my girlfriends, and nothing. Nothing at all. He was polite, but I might as well have been a stranger. Reservation to the point of absurdity. Probably a giant red flag that I will look back on when I am in tears because he’s marrying someone far inferior to myself. Until then I will pine away on my little corner of the internet since no one- especially him- is likely to read this. So I get to be vulnerable in public so I can put on a stiff upper lip when I see him. I love you Rainbow, with all your flaws and misdirection. When you hang at Cheetah’s or have to stay late setting up for the kids. I don’t want a different you, I want you you. I’ll be patient (as best I can), but please give me something to hold on to until you are ready to give me it all.
BTW- Since the HCG Diet I lose 30 pounds in 30 days and looked absolutely gorgeous for the party.