I am slightly obsessed with a few shows on television. Like my favorite books or movies, I can come back to them over and over without getting sick of them. Most of the time I jump in midstream, after the series has been established because a slot has opened up in my lineup(I am still a huge appointment viewer). This is what happened to me with the Gilmore Girls. I think I initially avoided it because of a poor lead-in (the sappy show about the preacher, or “pretty people with problems” melodrama) or poor advertising, but then one season the stars aligned in the sky and I met my motherhood archetype.
Lorelai Gilmore was a young single mother who lived in a tiny town with her teenage daughter Rory (also Lorelai {why should men be the only Jr.’s}). What I love about Lorelai is the relationship she deliberately created with her daughter. She was determined and committed to keeping the lines of communication open even when the topic was uncomfortable. She worked hard on making sure Rory knew their bond was rock solid as mother and daughter no matter what. The best thing was that the show did not make single parenthood look any more or less difficult than it can be. Lorelai Gilmore showed me that the archetype for the type of mom and the relationship I wanted with my child weren’t just figments of my imagination. Here are five of the parenting pearls I learned from the Gilmores.
Sometimes you have to swallow your pride to do what is in your child’s best interest
Try as we may, no single parent can be all things to your child. This goes for when there are two parents present as well. I know for a long time I bought into the idea that I had to be mother and father to The Boy. Sometimes this is true, like when I have to suppress the mom urge to wrap him in full padding and a helmet when he goes out to play on the playground because little boys need a little rough and tumble. I cannot, no matter how much I try, teach him all the subtlties of navigating the male world because I’m not one. In a traditional model, this would be done by his father, but he’s not an option, so it falls to me to make it happen. For the most part I rely on my own father and some very close friends to do “boy things” with him, but for a while I felt like a failure in doing so. I had to move past my ego and issues to ask for the help I needed for his own good.
It doesn’t matter if no one else gets “it”, as long as it’s meaningful to you
I am a huge fan of the inside joke or running bit in relationships. The Boy and I have several of varying level of silliness and meaning. I like to think that in the greater scheme of things it helps us stay connected and lets him know there is always a part that is just his. Some I deliberately created, like the “don’t embarrass me with a kiss from my mom in front of my friends” substitution (in preparation for teenage years), other just evolve from us being goofy together. People, and sometimes my own family think we are nuts, but it’s what we do.
Honesty is the best preventative policy- aka don’t BS your kid
The true test of this is hopefully still a few years away for us, but for now we focus on being able to say what we need at the moment without hurting the person’s feelings. It is ok for him to tell me he is mad at me for whatever reason or if he needs some time away from me, and I can do the same. This usually prevents both of us from getting to the point of tears when we are upset. The idea is that if he can tell me he is mad at me, he’ll be able to tell me when he’s in trouble or thinking about major life changing issues.
Your other relationships are important too
As a single parent it is easy to lose your identity to the martyrdom of parenthood. Trying to be all things to your child leaves little room for anything else. Pretty soon you can find your patience, sanity and sense of self have disappeared, and what kind of example is that. If you have, and value, a support network you will never know where your wit’s end is. A support network is different for everyone, but it has to include something that involves you not identifying yourself via your child. Same thing goes for dating. Being a single parent can present some challenges, but it is also a great screen. If a man can’t make plans with enough notice to let me secure adequate care for my child or he thinks that I want him to jump right into being “new daddy” then he is not the man for me. On the other hand, don’t use your kid as a shield, it hurts you both. Although we are package deals, single parents have long and short term needs. When the occasion arises, don’t pass on short term solutions; and if short term solutions show long term potential, deal with that then.
Your issues are not your childs issues
The temptation to “be honest” about what you think about the other half of your kids gene pool or our parents can be hard to resist- but resist it we must. It’s not fair to foist our strong opinions about people who may mean so much to our kids on them. If it wasn’t criminal, the slights of people against you- aren’t your kids business, period. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean we have to sugar coat that person in front of our kids, it means that the special nickname you have for your mother is best only shared with adults. Your child is not a bargaining chip, carrier pigeon or trophy. It’s not fair to deny the other genetic contributor to your precious baby access just because you are mad. Keep it civil, even if that means biting your tongue until it bleeds. Trust your child to be a good judge of character and form their own opinions.
